Personal
by Shiro Ryuu
Summary: [EboshixAshitaka] A very personal story about a very impersonal woman, wherein she learns that she's really only human, after all. Spelling errors now fixed, w00t.
1. Accidental Thoughts

**Disclaimer**: Okay, if I owned Princess Mononoke, for one thing, I'd be Japanese. And if I were Japanese then I would obviously be brain-damaged in some way, considering that I know about ten words in Japanese. Or else, I'd have to be two. Except most of them are swear words. Either way, I don't think I'd know this many words in English if I were a two-year-old, filthy-mouthed, brain-damaged Japanese person, even if I did own Princess Mononoke. Does your head hurt yet?

**A/N**: Okay, first of all I have a terrible confession to make. This is probably gonna really make you hate me, more than you probably already hate me for writing a non-cannon pairing. And I swear, I have never seen a fandom with a higher percentage of cannon pairing fics than this one. Okay, okay, I'm already going off on tangents, I know. My confession: I think Eboshi-sama is cooler than San. Yeah, San has many good points, but Eboshi is much more complicated. I think she's really the most realistic character in the show, which is saying a lot. There, I said it. Er, don't kill me onegai? Of course, if you're actually reading this then you probably like Eboshi too, and you might even be nearly as fed up with the sheer cannon-ness of this fandom as I am. Or else you're just reading this for the sole reason of flaming me, eh heh. Well, go ahead; they're calling for snow tonight and I'm freezing! I mean, snow? Isn't it a little late for that? Shutting up now...

* * *

**Chapter One**: Accidental Thoughts

* * *

Lady Eboshi sighed. She had had many problems in her life, after all; she was genuinely surprised at the persistence of this one. You would think it would take one look at her and get discouraged. No such luck, however. It was quite an annoying little bugger. The thing was...

Lady Eboshi didn't understand about ships.

Iron, now iron she knew. Iron you could depend on. It could be tricky sometimes, with its seams and unexpected bends and impurities, but she _understood _that. Iron was sturdy. You could _make _things with it, things you could hold in your hands. She'd never even _been _on a merchant ship. She didn't understand about riggings, or currents, or scurvy. Generally she'd left that up to someone else. She always went on the land shipments, after all, to protect her people. She knew all about the hold-ups one could encounter when traveling over land. But, and this was a little-known fact, she didn't really like the water. It was somewhat embarrassing. But as far as she was concerned, it shouldn't ought to be _that _hard. How long could you _possibly _take to cross a great bloody pond? It wasn't as if there were troublesome oxen or treacherous mountain passes or anything. It was so frustrating. Not to mention rather boring.

But she was doing her best. She knew it would all make sense eventually, or else. Because, unfortunately, shipping was her life now.

It was a bit odd that they had decided to continue calling it Iron Town, because at this point Port Town would have been much more appropriate. However, it just wouldn't have stuck. Anyway, she thought it served as a good reminder. And she needed it. The thought of all that iron, still deep under the trees somewhere, set her on edge sometimes. But she absolutely couldn't forget...

These accounts made her head ache. She got up, going against her better judgment to the window. When she'd first had this room made, the desk had faced the window, and she's found she was always staring out it. Unwelcome thoughts snuck in when she did that. Moving the desk hadn't helped much.

There were so many ships down there, she thought gloomily. Iron hadn't smelled like fish, either.

But it was comforting to see the people bustling about. They seemed happy enough. More so, maybe, now that there were no more threats from demons and gods. There were still the various warlords who lusted after Iron Town, of course, but the funny thing was... Iron Town was actually stronger and richer than ever. If no one had been able to steal it before then they certainly didn't have a chance now.

Somehow, that didn't really interest her much one way or another. There was a sort of detached interest, it was all very lovely that everyone was doing so well, but...

Unwelcome thoughts...

It was, she thought firmly, time to get back to work.

* * *

Then it was daytime. Now it is night.

The streets of Iron Town were silent, Eboshi noted as she walked through them an hour or two after sundown. Once, there would have been a team of girls up all night, working the bellows, and their singing would mix with the sounds of the machinery and spread out to fill the whole town. It was such a quite sound by the time it reached where she used to sleep that she'd never really noticed it until it was gone. But now there was no reason for anyone to keep such later hours. It would be now, of course, when there was no one else up to talk to, that _she _wouldn't be able to sleep.

And she would pay for it in the morning, she knew. But it was no good; if she forced herself to lie in bed with her eyes shut she still wouldn't be able to sleep; she would start thinking... Sleep, her only savior, rejected her even when she tried taking various foul-tasting medicines. This was really beginning to annoy her. The best thing to do seemed to be to take a long walk, until she was exhausted.

She went up to the top of the wall, nodding to the guards in passing, and looked out. There was a forest of masts in the foreground, and beyond it, the true forest, touched with moonlight. It was much quieter than it used to be; its spirits were content. She wondered if it was true, what Ashitaka said about the soul of the forest god living on. She wasn't quite sure she understood that but it seemed plausible enough, considering how peaceful the place was. And she wondered what the wolf girl was doing right now.

In spite of herself, though she knew it was unfair, she thought the girl must be off howling at the moon.

And then she turned and looked within. And was surprised.

There was a boy down there, in the quiet streets, sword-fighting with himself. As she watched he tossed a stick in the air, and cut it cleanly in half. She thought she heard quiet, satisfied laughter, though she could have been wrong.

It was wrong. It was so pathetic, really. Their love was too pure for anything to ever come between them. Whenever he looked out on the forest he looked so wistful, and once Iron Town was rebuilt she would never see him again. And yet she went down.

* * *

One, two, feint left, strike right - one perfectly timed branch heading towards the ground suddenly became two - turn, strike -

There was the sound of metal on metal. Lady Eboshi smirked. "You're quiet powerful. You know, I can barely lift this thing in my left hand."

Ashitaka stared for a moment, and sheathed his sword. "You're not that bad, my lady."

She laughed. "Oh, please. I'm not that good, either." Ashitaka didn't wear a shirt to practice. She found that this was taking up quiet a lot of her mental process. She felt like a schoolgirl. "Do you always practice in the middle of the night?"

"Yes," he admitted. "I couldn't sleep." He looked awkward, as if remembering himself. "Was there something you wanted, my lady?"

Eboshi scoffed. "You're much too polite. It's not as if you're likely to be a permanent resident." She smiled. "Though of course you're welcome to stay."

"Oh... maybe..." The way he seemed to be making eye contact with his own little world made that seem rather unlikely.

Outside the smile remained firmly fixed in place, but inside she glared.

"Hmm, well... Say, Ashitaka, I had a thought," she said lightly, hating herself. "You're quiet possibly the best swordfighter in this town. And I seem to have found myself in need of a tutor..." She smiled brightly. Oh, she was horrible.

Ashitaka flushed. "You mean you want me to...?"

"Of course! You're really quite impressive, for a man." He stared again for a moment. And then, for a little while, they laughed.

* * *

Then it was night. Now it is later at night.

There was nothing wrong with it, Eboshi told herself firmly. Perfectly innocent. She _did _need a tutor; she'd always been fairly good with her left hand, after all, but not as good as with her right. And Ashitaka was a very good fighter.

She couldn't help but wonder, however, what else he might be good at...

She choked down some pointless medicine, feeling somehow that she deserved it, and went to bed.

Perchance to dream...

In her dream Ashitaka wore fine robes and sat by her side. She knew it was a dream from the start, because he looked so happy. He'd never looked that happy in Iron Town. And he smiled and laughed when she talked, and never got a far off look. And he kissed her...

And then, again, it was day.

* * *

**A/N:** Aw, tears, so sad. Possibly this could be in reference to my writing style. What do you think; is the characterization totally off? I've never written a Princess Mononoke fic before, if you hadn't guessed yet. Why must I always write fics about the complicated characters? It's just that it's so hard to imagine Madam Eboshi in love in the first place that I think the best of writers would have trouble with her. Or maybe I just really, really suck. Could be. What do you think? (giant puppy eyes) Review, review!


	2. Far Off Heart

**Disclaimer: **Look, maybe you should sit down. This is a real shocker. Are you sure you wanna hear this? It could be very traumatizing, a shock like this. But, if you insist... Princess Mononoke isn't mine.

**A/N**: And I'm back again, full of vague hopes that maybe I can get everybody's characters down a bit better this time :) Do you think it could be possible? Hmm... Y'know, at this very moment I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do in this chapter. Well, I have a basic idea, to a point, if I had no clue whatsoever what I was doing then I probably would have given up by now, but... I have no idea how it will end. Should I leave it in a cliffy there? Or write the whole way to there? (g) I'm really leaning towards cliffy, bwuha...

* * *

**Chapter Two**: Far-off Heart

* * *

Lady Eboshi felt rather ashamed of herself. She was also finding that she was rather ashamed of herself for being ashamed. It wasn't like her.

She knew in her heart that Ashitaka was totally unattainable, and it was wrong to even try. What he shared with San was flawless, or would be as soon as the brat got over her little identity crisis. It was a blessing the girl didn't walk on all fours. And she felt ashamed about that, too.

Mononoke Hime had saved everyone, from her _own _stupidity no less. She was in debt. And the wolf girl would have a place of highest esteem in her opinion if only it weren't for certain silly personal issues. She had always held that personal issues weren't particularly important.

But the problem was, Ashitaka was beautiful. To see with eyes unclouded - she'd had a good laugh at that. But that was when she'd only just met him. She learned, to her ultimate amazement, that he really meant it. She'd always looked down on people like that because underneath they were as bad as her, and worse because they tried to hide it. But Ashitaka was different. She'd seen no sign yet of any inner darkness. It was an experience, that was for sure. Possibly with a capital 'E'.

At first she'd just hoped she was fascinated with him, as a person. It didn't seem to be working out like that, however.

Ashitaka wasn't for her, she told herself. He belonged with San, she told herself. If she was really a good person she would be telling him to forget about Iron Town and go find her already, she told herself. Unfortunately she was not a very good person, depending on what you called good, at least, and she had never pretended to be. A very large part of her, which was growing larger every day, was telling her that she'd always taken what she wanted up till this point. Why stop now?

* * *

When she arrived outside his house, Ashitaka was already warming up with a wooden practice sword. He didn't have a shirt on again. Damn. A significant if swiftly shrinking part of her really wished he wouldn't do that. It would have been in his own best interests.

He greeted her with a smile. "Good evening."

She smiled slightly as well. 'Is it now?' "Konbonwa."

And to her surprise, he didn't even stare when she removed her outer jacket. The advantage of a long-sleeved kimono was, of course, that any absence of an arm wasn't immediately apparent. Nevertheless, he knew. Any normal human being would have at least glanced. No pity, and no disgust either, she noted with approval. Amazing.

"I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience for you," she heard herself say.

"Oh, no," he said earnestly. "It's better than practicing by myself."

And then they fought. Wood cracked against wood. She smiled wryly, hoping they didn't wake anybody up. The nights shouldn't be this quiet anyway. She really was clumsy, though, and it wasn't even entirely to do with Ashitaka's need of a shirt. In fact, she found that she was actually able to think of him as just an opponent, if only just for a few minutes. She had hardly any control over her arm next to Ashitaka's grace, but she felt more in control of her mind than she had in months. It was quite refreshing.

She had almost hoped it could have stayed that way. Afterwards, however, all the unpleasant thoughts came right back.

This was foolishness. She shouldn't make a move until she was sure of what she wanted. And yet she said, "Would you like to go for a short walk? It's such a nice night."

And so she walked the streets as usual, but this time she had company. Ashitaka put his shirt back on, but it was just as well. They passed the rusting skeleton of the old ironworks, slowly being disassembled, and Ashitaka noticed her pensive look at it and smiled.

"I remember the night I came here, before you fought with San, I worked the bellows for a while," he commented. "The girls sang a beautiful song."

She chuckled. "They usually did."

"But the shipping is coming along so well, isn't it? Iron Town is better than it ever was before." He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Toki likes the ships so much that Kuroku is afraid she'll sail away without him. She swims like a fish." Eboshi had to laugh at that one. He's actually trying to cheer me up, she marveled.

"Hey," he said suddenly, "why don't we go up on the wall? I go up there sometimes when I can't sleep. Have you ever seen it at night? It's beautiful."

She stared at him for a moment. "I've seen it once or twice, yes."

Up on the wall a cold wind blew across the water, smelling damp and threatening to pull her hair down. Ashitaka, she noted, looked out at the forest. Usually she looked down at the ships, but he looked past them. "Isn't it amazing?" he breathed.

She was mesmerized by the way the wind tossed his hair around. "Yes, yes it is." Then she noticed the look on his face, and cursed quietly.

"So... Are you going to be here for the harvest festival next month?" she asked softly.

"Oh, of course. I look forward to it."

"I suspect it'll be quite a sight to see."

"Hmm."

"But I don't think you'll really enjoy it much, will you?"

"Hmm."

"Ashitaka?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you hearing a word I'm saying?"

He finally looked at her, blinking rapidly. "I-I'm sorry, what?"

She groaned mentally. It was useless. Why was she even here? "You're thinking about her, aren't you?" she said, very carefully.

He looked away hurriedly. "...Yes."

"Have you gone to see her yet?" He shook his head. "Why on earth not?"

"I promised to help rebuild Iron Town," he mumbled. "It's been so busy..."

This was painful, she reflected. It wasn't like her to do things like this. What had happened to taking what she wanted? "That's very generous of you, but I don't think we need your help anymore. We can spare one man."

He looked up sharply. "But - the festival... and there's that shipment of grain-"

She glared. "Are you making _excuses, _Ashitaka? Do you want to see her or not?" Sure, make it harder.

"Of course I do!"

"Then go already, idiot."

He stared at her for a moment, then grinned. "Thank you, Lady Eboshi."

After he went back to bed she stayed for a while, looking out on the forest. Had she just done the 'right' thing? Her? Shocking. It... hurt...

* * *

**A/N**: Gosh, I finished another chapter! (chibi victory dance) I almost thought I wasn't gonna make it, there at the beginning. This is mainly to do with the fact that I'm still not sure about Eboshi's characterization. I'm a perfectionist, yes indeedy. But I guess I'll just do the best I can and keep working on it :) Feedback onegai? And yes, though it may not seem like it at this point, there _are _going to be more chapters.


	3. Hate

**Disclaimer**: I'm possessed by a vengeful spirit who keeps making me eat pizza. Oh, did I say something about a disclaimer? Oh yeah... Princess Mononoke ain't mine, tomodachi.

**A/N**: Which means friend, in case you were curious. I (whisper) actually had to look that one up... (shame)... But all the other ones I've used up to this point I already knew! I'm sorry if I've confused anyone by using so much Japanese, but I've been into anime so long that a lot of the words are built into my vocabulary. I'm actually more likely to say 'chibi' or 'onegai' than little or please. I've even got my mom doing it. This is fine around my friends, who are all also anime geeks, but it tends to lead to awkward social situations, like in restaurants. I'd like a small Mountain Dew onegai. I'm trying to curb my enthusiasm, honest. But it does have its uses - I don't remember the last time I swore in English, but I swear in Japanese all the time and no one knows what I'm saying :) Lol... Anyway, I, er, have no idea where all that came from. I just wanted to say that I'm kinda going off on a tangent in this chappy, because it's going to be almost entirely about Ashitaka and San. Typical; just when I start to feel better about writing Eboshi, I go and bring San into the story... Hopefully she shouldn't be as hard, sweatdrop.

* * *

**Chapter Three**: Hate

* * *

People were beginning to worry. She could tell, by the way conversations sometimes suddenly stopped when she entered a room. On the fifth day she had had to convince Gonza that she was merely feeling a bit under the weather. She felt a little sad about lying to the man.

Ashitaka had left seven days ago, early in the morning. She hadn't gotten to see him go. She really wished she had, of course, except she was afraid she might have said something out of place. She hadn't been very hungry since then. The funny thing was, though, she slept very well. Sometimes she fell asleep in the middle of the day and wouldn't wake up for hours. She couldn't help it; things just seemed so _boring. _Unfortunately she had never been much for sleeping during the day before, so after she woke up she would feel sick.

She would get over it sooner or later. Surely something exciting was bound to happen. She was really being quite silly about this, she knew. But she couldn't help but wish she could do things over again. If she had him here now she knew she wouldn't let him go so easily. She wasn't accustomed to wishing she could do things over again.

Slowly, Lady Eboshi fell asleep over the reports strewn across her desk.

* * *

It was raining. That was _bad_, Ashitaka thought glumly. In addition to making the cold worse, it was washing away any possible tracks. He was beginning to wonder whether this was a vote of ill favor from the gods.

Not that there had been any tracks to begin with. San's wolf-siblings were huge and would normally have left plenty of deep tracks, unless - as he now suspected - they were trying to keep their presence hidden. Maybe 'knew' would have been a better word than 'suspected' at this point. He would have had to've been a very bad hunter indeed to not notice giant wolf tracks by now if there had been any to notice. And anyway, if San had wanted to see him then _she _could have come to _him _by now. He felt like he'd searched the whole forest.

Well, not the whole forest. There was one place he hadn't bothered with, because it was _obviously _far too obvious and anyway it was a real bother to get to. Surely... And it would be even harder to get to right now, what with the mud. If he went up there now and San wasn't there it'd be awfully annoying. On the other hand, he'd been thinking about looking for a place to stop for a while now, and who knew? Perhaps if he stayed up there long enough she'd come to him.

"Sorry about this, Yakkul," he said. The elk bent its neck down to nuzzle his cheek, and he smiled. "Just a little further now."

They headed toward the cave at the top of the cliff.

As he'd predicted, trying to reach the cave was a hellish experience in this weather. He was almost at the point of trying to leave Yakkul behind for fear of him slipping and breaking one of his long, thin legs, except he knew it would never work. The elk was much too stubborn.

Finally he reached the land directly below the cave. At which point several tons of snarling wolf leapt out in front of him. Nothing wakes a person up like suddenly coming face to face with a jaw-full of teeth the length of your index finger.

"Leave here, human!"

He frowned. "I'm not here to hurt you. You know that. I want to see San."

The wolf sneered in such a way as to reveal even more teeth. "Maybe, but my sister doesn't want to see you. Leave, or I'll eat you for dinner!"

"_Why _doesn't she want to see me?" he implored. "Please, I only want to talk to her." The wolf snarled. "Please! If you let me by then I'll slaughter a cow and bring it to you tomorrow."

"Hah! We don't need any of your dumb village animals to get by! The wolf tribe takes joy in the chase. Run away, human!"

Someone sighed loudly. "You're both so noisy. Go ahead and let him by or he'll never leave us alone.

Ashitaka looked up and saw San, though the expression on her face wasn't like her at all. It wasn't something he'd forget in a hurry, though he might try.

Inside the cave it was blessedly dry, and he spread his cape out in the hopes of it drying out a little. San watched him scornfully. "Don't get too comfortable," she snapped.

He stared for a moment before saying, "What's wrong? Why have you been avoiding me?"

She scoffed. "You're a filthy human, that's why!"

"But, San, you're human..."

"It doesn't matter! I belong with the wolf tribe! Every time I go near it the smell of that woman's city makes me gag. I-"

He shrugged. "So? I'll come live with you then. I don't mind at all. I thought you'd learned not to hate the humans."

"No!" She scowled. "I waited for a week for you to come see me, like you promised, and then I decided to go look for you. I went into the city at night and kept hidden, and you know what I saw? I saw a human kill another human! I saw a woman beating her dog. I saw a, a man forcing himself on a woman. She called out for help and no one came! And you're trying to tell me there's any good in humans? I _hate _you!"

"Not everyone is like that, though..." It sounded pretty feeble, he knew. His voice seemed to be coming from a long way off.

"My human parents left me for dead at Moro's feet, Ashitaka. And now _she's _dead, thanks to humans. Go home to your evil city! Get _out_!"

She really means it, he thought, stunned. She looks so disgusted... She'd never looked like that at him before. Slowly, Ashitaka stood up, donned his cape, and left.

* * *

**A/N**: Aw, now that's really sad. At least, I thought so. Is it just me, or are my already short chapters getting even shorter? My computer only has WordPad on it right now, so I can't look at page numbers, sweatdrop. But I think this one's shorter than the last one. I _know _that was shorter than the first one. Gomen! Also, sorry if I messed anyone's names up. I'm not sure if Yakkul actually has two 'k's in it, or just one, and I couldn't remember either of San's siblings' names so I couldn't even _try _to spell them, oy. :) Oh well; you still know who I'm talking about, right? Well anyway, I shall try to make the next chapter a little happier, eh heh. Though really, this fic just doesn't have much opportunity for happy parts. But I'll try to fit some in anyway, honest! R&R pretty please?


	4. Chances

**Disclaimer**: Watashi no mono de nai Mononoke Hime. (usuwarai o suru)

**A/N**: Ah, the havoc I can wreak with a English-to-Japanese dictionary :) Though, again, I managed to do most of that myself... I wonder how off my grammar was? Does anyone out there know Japanese? Anyone? I need to take a Japanese course already... Hmm, y'know, I think it could become a distinctive trait of this story that I don't really know what I'm doing at the beginning to the chapters. It seems to be working fairly well so far, though I'm writing slower than I usually do. Usually I have pretty much the whole story planned out before I start working on it, which allows me to write pretty fast, but sometimes I loose interest before I finish it. T.T And then I have to force myself to finish it so my fans, however few, don't kill me... That really sucks when I have to do that, yupyup. But enough of my whining! Here's the chappy :)

* * *

**Chapter Four**: Chances

* * *

After some immeasurable amount of time, though she didn't think it'd been too long, Lady Eboshi awoke to the sound of someone knocking tentatively on her door. Ah, that would be Gonza. He was so awful when it came to hiding concern.

There was something going on outside, she noticed. Small flocks of people were migrating in the general direction of the front gate. Not _everyone_, nothing was probably burning or anything like that, but still. She supposed she ought to try and take an interest.

She opened the door just as Gonza was about to knock again. He jumped, and bowed hurriedly. "What's going on out there?" she asked, managing a thin smile.

"Ashitaka has returned, my lady!"

* * *

Eboshi wondered, as she walked swiftly through the streets, what she would do if he had San with him. Of course he would; after all, she just didn't see how anything could have gone wrong. Would she be able to look the girl in the eye? Would San see how much she hated her?

What an ugly creature she was at heart. She had heard once that sometimes if you love someone, you have to let them go. She understood that, but it didn't make it any easier.

When she arrived at the front gate, there was a small, mostly female crowd blocking the way. From somewhere inside there came an overwhelmed-sounding voice, saying, "Please, let me by. I'll speak with you all in the morning, but I really need to go home. Excuse me..."

"Everyone, please go back to your work," she said clearly, making some of the girls in front of her jump. "I'm sure Prince Ashitaka is very tired right now; you can see him later."

There was a chorus of, "Oh, all _right _m'lady," and the crowd began to gradually disperse. And then it was just her and Ashitaka standing in the middle of the street.

It was wonderful to have him back. There were no words for how wonderful it was. It was making a mess of her head. Maybe that was why she said, even though, judging from his expression, it was quiet possibly the worst thing to say at the moment, "Where is San?"

He didn't meet her eyes. "She didn't want to come in. She's outside somewhere." It was true enough. And he started off in the direction of his house.

She wanted to follow, except she wouldn't have known what to say. Should she be overjoyed? This was the second chance she'd been wishing for. But the look on his face - she was _really _beginning to hate that girl...

* * *

And now she had discovered a distraction worse than sleeping. She really wanted to think of a good way to make him feel better, and just possibly forget about that girl, which was frustrating because she'd never been very good at comforting people.

As soon as she had finished her dinner, with the sun still setting in the hills, she went to his house and rapped sharply on the door. "Ashitaka! Open up!"

There was a very long silence, so long that she was beginning to wonder whether she'd been ignored entirely, when he opened the door. He stared at the wooden practice sword in her hand for a moment as if she was holding a snake, and then smiled weakly. "I'm sorry, my lady, but I'm really tired tonight..."

"Nonsense," she said briskly, even as she was noticing that this was how she'd been acting. Well, that was different, because, because she hadn't had anyone to talk some sense into her. "You've had all day to rest. And anyway, they say that when you feel the least in the mood to exercise is probably when you need to the most." She grinned at him. "You owe me seven practice sessions."

He gaped at her for a moment. And then he resignedly went inside again and got his practice sword.

She was frankly astounded. The boy seemed to be using about half his brain. If this had been a real sword fight he would have lost all his limbs several times over, not to mention his head once or twice. It was shocking. Was this what happened to people when they were rejected by the one they loved? Well, she'd just have to be sure that didn't happen to either of them again.

Finally she relieved him of his sword, and the force of the blow sent it flying and threw him to the ground. She had to cover her face to hide the fact that she was about to burst out laughing, standing over him. He looked so stunned. "Here," she said, leaning her sword on a wall and offering him a hand. He blinked owlishly at her before taking it.

"You should go inside and get some sleep," she said kindly. "But tomorrow, would you like to eat lunch with me? I'd like to talk to you." He smiled a little again and accepted, and they said goodnight, and she found she didn't feel bad about it at all.

* * *

**A/N**: Ye gads, a fourth chapter already? How did this happen? It happened with the help of me ignoring my schoolwork, that's how! (grin) It also helped that I got three new CDs. This is a very big event for me, because I am in a continuous state of being a couple quarters away from broke and usually only buy a couple CDs every year (though of course people give me a couple more for presents, and I burn them off friends, and stuff like that, so it's not like that's _all _the new music I get in a whole year). My favorite one is - isn't this sad? - the best of Blondie. Yes, I _am _a social reject. But oh well; everyone needs a hobby ;) And is it just me, or am I never going to get the characterizations quite right at this rate? Or is it just that I'm never going to be satisfied with the characterizations at this rate? People have told me that I'm my own worst critic before, and I believe them, but still... Review on-e-ga-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i?


	5. Getting Close

**Disclaimer**: Er... Oh, look, a chicken! No, really, look! It's, oh my gosh, it's coming right at you! ...Darn. Some people are just too smart for their own good, I tell you. Princess Mononoke ain't mine.

**A/N**: Yup, I'm back again. Goodness, how long is this thing going to go on? When I first started it I was thinking three chapters tops, but it just sort of... grew, sweatdrop. Now there's probably going to be _at least _two more yet, probably three. Help; I set it up so I have to pass three weeks before I can write the harvest festival, and I have no idea what to do! Lol, no, I'll figure it out. But once again, at the offset of the chapter I have no clue what to write, eh heh. Will every chapter be like this? Could be. Could definitely be. Oh well; it's kind of like what the author of Please Save My Earth was talking about. I get to be the writer and a reader at the same time :) Enjoy the chappy, all. (And then when you're done go out and buy Please Save My Earth, because it's a really great series!)

* * *

**Chapter Five**: Getting Close

* * *

The next day the rain clouds were gone, and the world smelled clean. They left a warm front behind them, too, so that Eboshi led Ashitaka out to her newly-replanted garden for lunch. Ashitaka stared, wide-eyed, at all the food once it had been laid out. "I don't know if I can eat that much," he confessed.

She laughed. "Of course you can. It's good for you." She felt like a wife. She tried not to act too giddy.

He said a quick prayer and filled his plate before he spoke again. "What was it you wanted to speak to me about, my lady?" he asked.

She arched an eyebrow. "First of all, there's really no need to address me as 'my lady'. You were a prince where you came from, weren't you? You may call me by name."

He smiled awkwardly. "But... I don't want anyone to think I'm above them."

She stared for a moment, and shook her head. "You're really something; do you know that? Very well. Just call me by name in private." She paused to try an egg, chewing thoughtfully. In the end curiosity got the best of her. "Ashitaka... What happened out there? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, of course. It might make you feel better, though."

He stared at his food. "San has changed her mind about humans," he said quietly. "I just don't understand it; she's still trying to deny her humanity. I thought she was past that."

"Did she tell you why?" Eboshi asked, fascinated. San was truly a strange one.

"Actually, yes." He pushed some rice around on his plate aimlessly. "I should have gone to see her sooner. She said that after a week she came looking for me, and she saw... some horrible things. Murder, rape. Some woman beating her dog." Eboshi grimaced. In her own village? Well, after all, it was too big to keep perfect order... Ashitaka sighed. "And then she had three more weeks to dwell on it... I guess she decided humans aren't worth the effort after all. And she looked so disgusted with me, as if I defiled the forest..." It was at about this point that she realized he was crying. "I miss her..."

She hesitated a moment, and then wrapped an arm around him awkwardly. He looked a little startled, but didn't comment. She really wished she could say something, but holding him was the best she could do. If she could have spoken, perhaps she would have told him how very much she hated that wolf girl right now...

* * *

San whispered a quick apology to Shishigami, and wrenched her spear out of the great deer's carcass. They wouldn't need another kill for days after this. It was huge! And what a chase it had been! But between the two wolves and herself, it hadn't had a chance in the end.

He siblings started dragging it in the direction of the lair, and she followed behind. She was completely content, she told herself. There was food, and yesterday's rain had washed the forest clean and made it even more beautiful than before. Little kodama waved greetings to her as she went past. Warm sunlight filtered through the trees.

In fact, the only thing wrong with the world at all was the fact that she could occasionally smell on the wind the scent of the city. She wondered how all those humans could live packed so close together, like... and a treacherous little part of her said, like they enjoyed each others' company?

* * *

The weeks passed. Ashitaka was kept busy, because it was harvest time now. It was nice to have work to do. Gradually the sadness let up somewhat, largely thanks to Lady Eboshi's company. He was surprised by that. He wouldn't have expected her to have time to take such a personal interest in his affairs, or even want to, but she seemed to really enjoy making him feel better. She came off as very cruel sometimes, but he was beginning to think that underneath she had a kind heart after all.

In fact, as the harvest festival approached he found he hardly thought of San more than a few times a day now. Mostly he just didn't have time. One night he stood on the wall and looked out over the forest while he was waiting for Eboshi, and he wondered what she and her wolf-siblings were doing, but he supposed it didn't really matter. It was good that he wasn't thinking about her so much. He _liked _humans, after all, the same as he liked the creatures of the forest. He knew they weren't all good, but they weren't all bad either. San saw things in black and white. To be honest, he was feeling a little disappointed in her.

Then he heard someone call him name. It was Eboshi; he smiled slightly as he went down.

They bowed to each other, and began. Lady Eboshi gave him a light blow to the neck almost immediately by saying, "Do you miss her?"

He didn't answer for a few moments. When he finally spoke, he smiled sadly as he said, "I always will. But only a little. If she doesn't want to see me again, then I will respect that." He chuckled. "And I have you to thank for that, of course. You've been very kind to me."

Did she actually just blush? Good _grief_... Well, at least it was dark. "It was nothing. I... enjoyed the company."

"Oh, good," he said happily. "I was afraid I was an inconvenience. I enjoyed it too."

And she was so startled that he sent her sword flying out of her hand, but she just laughed.

* * *

**A/N**: (beam) Ah, success, another chapter! Y'know, as I sit here, starving slowly but too lazy to get up and feed myself, I am acutely aware that it will probably be over a month before I actually post this. It's so hard for me to get to a computer with internet, for many complicated reasons, so I could only physically post once or twice a week, and I don't want to post the whole story at once or it won't get any reviews. I mean, be honest, would you read a story with seven chapters and no reviews? So by the time I post this chapter, the whole story will probably be long done. . It makes my head hurt just thinking about it! R&R?


	6. Moment

**Disclaimer**: Okay, so _I _don't actually own Princess Mononoke. But I know the person who does! Yeah, my friend B-chan; she bought it with her own money and everything! What? Oh, well, the _rights _don't belong to her; gosh, how picky you lawyers are...

**A/N**: And I'm back again, with the sixth chapter! (This is the part where you go 'duh!') As noted in number five, there's probably only going to be one more after this. Two at the outside, but I'm pretty sure it'll all fit in one. (worry, worry) I hope the last couple chapters haven't been too boring or anything. They've been short, I know that, eh heh... But either way, some stuff should actually happen in this chapter! Shocking, I know. Hope ya'll enjoy it :)

* * *

**Chapter Six**: Moment

* * *

And then it was the day of the festival. Nearly everybody stopped working for the day to celebrate with friends and family. Ashitaka spent most of the day with Toki and Kuroku and their friends, helping to put up decorations and prepare the feast they would eat at sundown.

At dusk Lady Eboshi stood by her window and watched the lamps being lit while she combed out her hair. When it was loose it hung to her waist. She wore her best kimono for the occasion, and she couldn't help but wonder what Ashitaka would think of it - though of course all he'd _say _would be something like 'what a lovely kimono, my lady.' She chuckled to herself.

After putting the finishing touches on her outfit, she went down to the carnival. It _was _a sight to see; the people of Iron Town tended to be hard working, so it was nice to see them relax once in a while. There was singing and dancing and games and food, and the city was even more crowded than usual because all the sailors had come ashore to see the parade. The procession would wind through the streets several times before the night was over. She talked to people in passing, but in a somewhat distracted way; she kept scanning the crowds for Ashitaka.

And then someone behind her said, "L-Lady Eboshi? What a beautiful kimono..."

She had thought the fan was rather silly, but now she understood. It was very useful for hiding how she was grinning like a lunatic. "Why, thank you." She looked him up and down. "You look nice as well." The thought that he would look good in anything occurred to her, but she didn't mention it. It would have been entirely too cliché, and he looked sufficiently awkward and pleased anyway. He'd found a fine blue kimono with black fish patterns on it somewhere; perhaps Kuroku had lent it to him. It looked like it was made for him, though, but maybe that was just her.

A thread of song reached them over the sound of the crowd, and just as she was opening her mouth to speak, Ashitaka said, "Would you like to dance?" He grimaced slightly, as if his brain was just now analyzing the words, after they were already out of his mouth, and he added a highly belated, "My lady?" in vain hopes of remedying the situation.

She raised a delicate eyebrow, highly amused. "Well, it might be a little difficult," she said, glancing at her right shoulder, "but I supposed we could give it a try..."

She could barely remember the last time she danced. It was before she'd come to Iron Town, she was pretty sure of that. She doubted she'd been very much in love with whoever she'd danced with then, because she suspected she'd have a very hard time forgetting this dance. The worst part was, Ashitaka was shorter than her. It was wonderful. It was so wonderful that she wished she could kiss him, and wondered if he might just let her sometime tonight.

After the song was over they stared at each other for a moment. And then they laughed at the absurdity of it all, because everyone was looking at them, and danced to the next song too. Lady Eboshi wondered what people would say in the morning. She couldn't wait to hear it.

And afterwards they walked around together and saw the sights. She bought Ashitaka food, despite his protests. They watched the parade. He laughed and smiled when she talked, and never got a far-off look. It was quite possibly, Eboshi reflected, one of the best nights of her life up till now.

All parties must eventually come to an end, however. There were some who would be up all night, of course, but most people had things to do in the morning. As much as she would have liked to ignore the fact, she knew that both of them belonged to the latter group. Ashitaka offered to walk her home. She just had to laugh at that, but she let him anyway.

As they walked towards her house, the streets gradually grew quieter. They had been surrounded by crowds just about an hour ago, but now there seemed to be no one around. She smiled slightly. "Ashitaka?"

He looked up at her expectantly. What pretty eyes, she thought. And then she kissed him, holding him close.

No one can tell the future. Sometimes one future is very likely; if a boy has caught a deadly disease, he will most likely die. But there's perhaps a one-in-a-million chance that he might make it after all, and everybody knows that one-in-a-million chances crop up one time out of ten. No one can tell the future because there are a thousand ways events could go every minute, and the further in the future you go, the more ways it could branch out. And yet we only see one course of events. So maybe, somewhere, every other possible course also happens. You never knew; maybe, somewhere, they pulled apart and Ashitaka looked into her eyes and kissed her again. Maybe an image of San flashed through his mind, and he jerked away in disgust.

Or maybe, as actually happened, he pulled away after a moment and gaped slightly, like a fish out of water. Then his poor, stunned brain rearranged itself to absorb the full effects of the shock later, and he noticed that they'd reached her house. He managed a weak smile. "Well... good night."

She watched him go, and wondered whether it was.

* * *

**A/N**: Well... T.T Gosh, that's a little sad, isn't it? I can't believe there's only one chapter left already, though. Regardless of how long it's taken me to actually post this thing, this is only my fifth day writing it . Hey, did anyone catch all the things from Eboshi-sama's dream in chapter one? If you did, I'm impressed. I figure that no one reading this as I'm posting it will probably remember, but maybe someone who read it straight through... Also, yes, I _did _steal the whole thing about the futures nearly entirely off of Terry Pratchett. What can I say; Discworld is my absolute favorite series of all time :) (nervous grin) Y'know, as happy as I am to have gotten this far, I'm having a terrible premonition that I might be dying very soon. Like as soon as I post the last chapter, for instance. You might not want to read it. Seriously. I think a lot of people are going to hate me... (sweatdrop, sweatdrop) Er, review?


	7. Belonging

**Disclaimer**: But I've never even _been _to Belize... Whoops, wrong movie. Once more, for old time's sake, Mononoke Hime ain't mine.

**A/N**: Lol... Yes, me and my obscure movie references, sweatdrop. The worst part is that even people who actually know what movie I'm talking about probably won't get it, because it's sort of been warped into a strange inside joke over the years... Ah, the insanity. So, yes, the last chapter at last, pun possibly intended. I wonder if I'll write any more Mononoke Hime fics, or if this'll be a one-time sort of thing? Some stories are just so perfect the way they are that there's only one or two statements I want to make about them :) Perhaps there will be an Ashitaka/San fic at some point, however. I can't help it; I'm generally incapable of writing anything but romance, at least when it comes to fanfiction. But anyway, I hope you enjoy the ending :)

* * *

**Chapter Seven**: Belonging

* * *

Ashitaka lay in bed, but he did not sleep.

It had been an amazing night, that was for sure. And... an amazing kiss. It had tasted like the sweets she'd bought earlier. The only other time he'd been anything like kissed had been with San, when he was too sick to feed himself, and that of course had tasted like meat.

San...

This was _really _not the time to think about San. She should be as if dead to him. It was the best way. After all, he liked Lady Eboshi, didn't he? It had been fun, dancing with her and spending the festival with her. He enjoyed practicing and having lunch with her every day, didn't he? And he'd known for some time that she probably had some kind of feelings for him, after all; if he really hadn't been interested then he should have stopped spending time with her. She was certainly intriguing.

It was like an unpleasant little whisper in his ear. If he couldn't have San, she'd make a wonderful replacement...

He grimaced. This was wrong. It would never work if he had to _convince _himself that he had feelings for her...

And then there really was an unpleasant little whisper. "I can't _believe _this!"

He sat up so fast that he felt lightheaded. "What - _San_?"

She stepped into a square of lamplight, glaring. There was a certain terrifying, feral look to that glare. "Of course, idiot. I can't believe you!"

"W-Why are you here?" he stammered, trying hard to disentangle himself from his bed sheets.

"I, well, I came to see you of course! I wanted to ask you if you... still wanted to come live with me..." The glared had died down a little, but she rallied quickly, shaking with rage. "But obviously you don't! I can't _believe _you went and fell in love with that hag! I should kill you!" Suddenly she lunged at him, but he rolled with it and wound up pinning her.

"San, calm down," he said, while she thrashed about and tried to bite his hands. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" she snarled. "You love that Eboshi woman. I saw you kiss her!"

He laughed, so that she stopped struggling for a moment out of surprise. "You always see the wrong things when you come here, don't you? No, San, I don't love her." He smiled. It was totally obvious, totally right. "I care about her, but not the way I care about you."

She flushed. "Who ever said I wanted you to care about me? I h-" At which point he kissed her, very gently.

"Please, San..." he whispered in her ear one they had pulled apart. "I love you more than anyone else. Can you stop hating humans long enough to tell me you love me?"

She was red as a beet, she knew. "...Get off me." He obeyed. "If you don't like her, then why did you kiss her?"

"I didn't kiss her. She kissed me." He winced; it was a terrible excuse. Except that it was true.

"And spend the festival with her? And dance with her?" San demanded. "Did she make you do all that too?"

"No," he admitted. "I did that. And I enjoyed it, too." She wrinkled her nose in disgust, but he just smiled. "I was trying to forget about you, because I thought that was what you wanted. I was trying so hard. But I was thinking just now that if I was going to spend my life with Lady Eboshi, she'd only be a replacement for you. She'd a lovely lady; I wouldn't want to have to do that to her."

"_Sure_," she said scornfully, turning away. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind too much. I'm sure she could make you forget all about me soon enough."

"No!" He grabbed her hand; she looked at it like it was an unexpected spider. "I could never forget about you, San."

She stared at the hand a moment longer. She was coloring again, ug. "Yes, well, I hate to disappoint you," she heard herself say, "but I could forget about you quite easily."

"Of course you couldn't," he said, beaming. "You wouldn't be here if you could have forgotten about me."

"Yes, but this is the last straw-"

"And if you could forget about me so easily, you would have left right away after seeing Eboshi kiss me," he said, chuckling, "instead of having to come and tell me how mad it made you."

She wrenched her hand away, glaring. "Don't laugh at me!"

He stared at her. She was blushing again. He was having trouble getting his mind around this concept. "I'm sorry, but... knk..." He clasped a hand over his mouth in a vain attempt to control himself.

She pounced, causing him to land back in bed with a startled 'oof'. And then she became aware of certain issues of proximity, and wondered what exactly they were fighting about. She still wasn't one hundred per cent sure if she could trust him, but she was beginning to think that maybe she should give it a try and see if it worked... And then they kissed, and they did so for a very long time.

* * *

And then, again, it was day.

In the early morning they ate breakfast together (yes, she spent the night, but nevertheless you ought to get your mind outta the gutter), and then Ashitaka gathered his belongings and fed Yakkul . And then there was only one more thing to do. San didn't approve, he could tell, but it was something he absolutely had to do.

He found her in her office, diligently attempting to make sense of some accounts. She looked up, startled, when he came in, followed by Gonza's protests. "Ashitaka? H-" She took a long look at his face, and smiled wryly. "Hello. Shut the door behind you, please." He did, blocking an irate Gonza from view, and when she indicated for him to take a seat, he did. They were silent for a moment.

He was the first to speak. "I'm really sorry, Lady Eboshi," he said gently, "but I'm leaving Iron Town. With San."

Her eyes widened. "You found her again?"

He shrugged. "She came to me."

She stood up abruptly, and went to the window. It was another few moments before she spoke. "You know, I've hated her enough to kill her twice now. The first time was when she was trying to kill me... and the other time is now." She turned around again, with a hopeless little smile. "But I guess I have to let her live, don't I? For your sake. You won't reconsider?"

He shook his head. "I care about you a great deal, but I love her. No. I'm sorry."

She laughed lightly. "No, I suppose not. I supposed I was expecting this from the beginning, really. It was all a dream, wasn't it? Make-believe?"

"No, not a dream. Just not meant to be." He stood. "I'm meant to be with San, and you are meant to be with someone too. Someone more deserving than me, maybe." And he smiled. "Good-bye."

She watched him go.

And then she declared that she was not to be disturbed, shut the door, and cried a little. But life does go on, after all. After a while she got up and opened the shutters again. The ships still came into port, mercilessly. But that wasn't so bad, really, because it reminded her that she had something to do. She had responsibilities. Come to think about it, she had been slacking off a lot lately. Would she miss him? Always. But maybe, eventually, only a little. And she wouldn't be sad, because Ashitaka was wrong about one thing. It had been make-believe, from the very beginning, and she'd known that it would never be real in the end. It truly had been a dream, and a beautiful one that she'd always remember, but now it was time to wake up. And if it got to be too much then maybe she could get on one of those ships, and see the world. Maybe she could go pay Ashitaka a visit. She smiled faintly. Yes, she would go find him someday, and make San jealous with her gorgeous new husband, and laugh about old times. Reality was going to be much better than this dream, she would make sure of that. She turned around, and got back to work on her reports.

* * *

**A/N**: See, I _told _you you didn't want to read it. T.T Was that sad? I thought so. But not too much at the same time, ne? I guess you're probably thinking that that was the most strange, pointless thing, and why on earth did I write it? Think carefully, please. And then... review! Cheerio, all ;)


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